Agile Certification: Scum Certified Agile Master (SCAM)
You can choose to take on the title SCUM Certified TM Agile Master, or more colloquially SCAMmer, by passing our two-day “agile certification course”. We want to be perfectly clear about this, by taking this “agile certification course” what we’re certifying is that you attended the course. It is your choice (nod nod, wink wink) if you wish to present yourself as a professional SCAMmer. Yes, about 99.8% of course attendees choose to do this, why would you take the course otherwise?
This course overviews the Huddle agile process framework, a very small part of the overall system delivery process which through clever rhetoric and playing to the prejudices of the developers und program engineers (DUPEs) who attend the course we’ve made it out to be the only thing that you need to understand about software process. The course also inculcates you to the SCUM Alliance‘s definitive organizational general mastery of agile (DOGMA).
- Introduction to the Huddle agile process framework
- More DOGMA than you can likely stomach
- The importance of the Daily Huddle, where you share your current status (although it really isn’t a status meeting), share how you promoted Huddle to your non-agile colleagues yesterday, and pledge allegiance to the SCUM Alliance.
- How to organize your project into 20-Day Dashes.
- The requirements backlog
- Putting your On-Site Stakeholder in complete control of your requirement backlog.
- How to do a Dash Demo at the end of each Dash.
- How to ignore all the prescriptive advice contained within Huddle and instead believe that it is empirical, not that being empirical is an even remotely important aspect of a software process.
- The importance of non-sensible terminology.
If this sounds hard then don’t worry, the SCUM CertifiedTM SCAM Artist teaching the course will do lots of hand waving around any complex issues which may arise (they may not have any real world experience at agile development anyway). Don’t worry, we’re training you in a process framework which is little more than consultware anyway.
In short, there’s about six hours of material spread out over two days. Furthermore, you could have read it for yourself in about two hours from any number of web sites, but we know you won’t do that because you’re just too darn lazy and are desperately looking for an easy certification anyway.
How to Sign Up
The cost of the SCAM course varies depending on the Certified SCAM Artist, put typically ranges from $1,395 to $1,995 per DUPE.
What You Get
First and foremost, you get a certificate indicating that you took the course. You also get a nifty SCUM Alliance binder containing a photocopy of the course materials. Furthermore, at the discretion of the SCUM CertifiedTM SCAM Artist they may choose to give you a complimentary copy of their most recent book that they’ve written, if any. Granted, those SCUM CertifiedTM SCAM Artist have a tendency to charge more for their courses so it more than balances out. You won’t get anything free from the likes of us.
But wait, there’s more! After you’ve completed the course we’ll also email you the graphics files for logos that you can use in email signatures and business cards to indicate that you’re a SCAMmer. Remember, this is your choice to do so, we’re merely making these graphics available to enable you to promote the SCAM certification program to your friends and colleagues.
Coming Soon: Certification Testing
Starting July 1st, 2009 every DUPE will be required to write the Online SCAM Certification Test in addition to taking the SCAM certification training. The certification has been carefully designed by members of the SCUM inner circle to test that you understand key dogma that will only be delivered in the SCAM course, ensuring that all DUPEs are motivated to pay attention in class. In the past there’s been a concern that some DUPE viewed our SCAM program as an easy way to get certification.
Anyone who became a SCAMmer on or after January 1st 2009 will be grand-fathered in and will not be required to write the new test. People who became SCAMmers before January 1st 2009 will be asked to write the test but will not be charged for it. We expect there to be a 98-99% pass rate – as long as you haven’t been foolish enough to publicly question Huddle in a public forum such as the email@example.com mailing list (controlled/administered by the SCUM Alliance) or be a member of the breakaway site implementinghuddle.com then you should be ok.
Frequently Asked Questions
- Why should I want to become a SCUM CertifiedTM Agile Master? A: Becoming a SCAMmer is clearly good for your career prospects because many organizations now require that DUPEs become SCAMmers.
- What is actually being certified here? A: By paying for and then attending the SCUM CertifiedTM Agile Master (SCAM) course the SCUM Alliance certifies that you have taking the SCAM Course. It is completely up to you (wink wink) if you wish to indicate that you are a SCUM Certified Agile Master, or SCAMmer for short, on business cards or your email signature.
- Will I get PDUs for taking this course? Of course you will! You should see some of the stuff that will help you get PDUs, many of them put SCAM to shame when it comes to lack of content.
- Am I qualified? A: As long as your check doesn’t bounce, you too can become a SCUM CertifiedTM SCAMmer.
- Is it possible to “earn” an even easier certification within the IT community? A: No, this is the easiest certification that you can ever hope to “earn”. Remember, we’re only certifying that you took the SCAM course (nod nod, wink wink).
- Do organizations really respect this certification? A: Most HR departments are desperately understaffed these days and are unable to keep up with the rapidly changing IT landscape. Because they have seen a large number of people claim to be SCUM Certified Agile Masters on their resumes they have blind faith that the certification means something.
- What will happen if my organization’s HR department catches on? Won’t I be disciplined for deceiving people as to my qualifications? A: Don’t worry, this rarely seems to happen. If you don’t point out how arduous the “certification process” actually was it’s unlikely that your management will ever catch on. If so, don’t worry, as there are a lot of organizations who are completely oblivious to the full extent of the SCAM.
- Is this ethical? A: Thousands of people have chosen to become SCAMmers, so it must be ethical.
- Won’t I appear to be a bit pathetic to my colleagues? A: What is this, high school? Stand tall and be proud that you’ve joined the illustrious ranks of the SCAMmers. They’re likely just jealous of you anyway. You don’t need their approval, and you’re a very special person just the way that you are.
- What do agile thought leaders think about this? A: Several of them couldn’t resist the lure of easy money and have chosen to become SCUM CertifiedTM SCAM Artists, so they can’t publicly share their actual thoughts for fear of being cut off the gravy train. The rest pretty much don’t have the integrity to stand up and say anything, instead privately hoping that the SCUM Alliance will eventually self destruct as the result of our unmitigated greed and ethical flexibility. After 7 years in operation I guess we’ve proven them wrong.
- Will I be able to sleep at night if I become a SCAMmer? A: Don’t worry, there’s a lot of really great over the counter medication that you can take if this becomes a problem.
Yes, this is an April Fool’s Day joke. Sadly, this collection of pages is a parody of a very serious ethical lapse within the agile community. I believe that we can do much better. My hope is that this joke has made you step back and think about what’s going on around you. Being a “Certified X”, whatever X happens to be, implies that you’ve done something to earn that certification. If you’ve done very little to earn a certification then at best that’s what your certification is worth: very little. If you’re involved in a questionable certification scheme, regardless of whatever justifications that you tell yourself you have still shamed both yourself and your so-called profession. If you turn a blind eye to people who claim to be “certified masters” after doing almost nothing to earn that certification then you too are complicit: As Edmund Burke first said, all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. I invite everyone in the agile community to read Ethics for the Real World and to stand up and show some integrity — Until then, our integrity debt will continue to grow. Enough is enough.
Page creation date: April 1, 2009